Letters to Mom

Hi everyone.

I'm Rachel. The majority of what I write here will be in the format of letters to my recently dead mother, but don't expect much morbidity. Perhaps there will even be irreverence at times! Like my subtitle says, it's part blog, part tribute, but it's going to be wonderful.

Some useful facts to know: 

--I'm a junior in college at Meredith College, English major.
--Mom died on February 14th, 2009, due to complications from cancer.

Check out my profile for my interests, and welcome.

Dear Mom,

I got that African American lit paper done, finally. Once I actually outlined it and decided for sure which articles I was going to use, it really wasn't so scary anymore. I'm also memorizing the Yeats poem for tomorrow (ah!) and I have a French exam tomorrow as well. In the same hour. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but it will work out. I'll just talk to Dr. Duncan and see if she can push my recitation time forward half an hour. Or maybe I could even do it in between Brit Lit and French, I can rattle it off in about thirty seconds. Maybe I can do that. But there's probably already someone going at that time. Darn. If only the class hadn't voted to move the exam to Wednesday, my life wouldn't be this complicated.

I had my first Iceland orientation last night. The general orientation kind of scared me because a lot of it was "Don't trust anyone and don't be stupid." But since we're going to be staying in the Middle of Nowhere (Really), we don't really have to worry about that because it'll be such a small community. On a plus side, we're going to be able to get internet there, so expect updates. On the negative side, I cannot speak Icelandic. It fails utterly. My mouth just doesn't make those noises. I can say 'yes", "please", "thank you" and "no, thank you", and "hello", but that's it. Dr. Novak sent us training videos of a native Icelander speaking the language and my brain just went, "You want me to say what? Oh hell no."

Also, I would just like to say that a college not accepting a perfectly good check just because it's a "starter check" is complete bullshit. Thanks to that lovely rule, both my housing and my study abroad payments are going to be late, because Dad's still waiting for the rest of the checks to come in from the bank. On the plus side, I did get first floor Vann,  and I'm suitemates with hermiones_twin and her other friend whose name is also Lauren.

Tonight was pretty fun, though. I went to dinner with Rachel (roommate) for her birthday and had some pretty delicious pizza and beer. I came back and was intent on doing work until Henry distracted me, so I played around with him for a bit (and yes, played around does mean what you think it means) and then went to see hermiones_twin for a while. And now I'm working on the Yeats and writing this. Also, Lynne, my therapist, called me "courageous and mature" for the way I'm handling your passing. I'm rather pleased at that, and hope you are too.

By the way, could you push someone at Verizon to turn your voicemail off? It's creepy to dial that and hear your phone voice. Just sayin'. Oh, and Uncle Ben has a picture of you on Facebook mixed in with his regular pictures. I was showing him to Lauren tonight and clicked on one of the pictures, and went, "Oh hey, that's my mom! Hey Lauren, look! It's my mom! Hi Mom!" It's the one of you in the kitchen playing Boggle or some game with Eva, Aunt Peggy and Uncle Ben. I'm not in it, nor do I recognize the house you all are in. I left a comment asking where it had been taken and my reaction. It was still nice to see you, though.

Love you and miss you,
Rachel

Dear Mom,

I love weekends. Today I slept in until 10, got up and lazed around until 12 or so, went to lunch, and then decided that Alok would benefit from a walk to the art museum, which is only about a two mile walk away. So he came om campus and we went off walking, but then it started to rain. So we had to turn back, but we ended up hanging out with the two Laurens (I'm going to be rooming with them next year!) and going to dinner with them and Rachel. After that I went back to his place and we watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It was a pretty cute movie, but it was one of those movies with a messed up sort of time frame so that just one night seems like forever. Like Sideways made one week seem like forever.

Last night I saw Underworld 3 with Rachel. It was my first time seeing any of the Underworlds. I liked it and what they did to the vampire versus werewolf thing. It was a tad bloody but I kind of expected that. I want to see the rest of them now. Rachel has the first one so I might watch that in the next few days. After we got home from the movies I went out for a walk in the rain, listened to Spring Awakening and was generally happy. There's just something so wonderful and magical about walking in the rain at night, running your fingertips over newborn flowers and being in love. For I am in love. I know Henry was never your favorite, not by a long way, but he loves me truly, as I love him. We're thinking of living together after I graduate. He just makes me so happy and we work so well together that sometimes it's a bit scary. Remind me to tell you about the ferrets at some point.

Remember Cat, my roommate from second semester of freshman year? She just got engaged to her boyfriend, they've been together for about two years now. I have to say that I'm a bit jealous, but I know that my time will come eventually. And I definitely don't want to get married this early in my life. It's just being actually proposed to, with a ring, that I want. (So no pressure, Henry, if you're reading this, haha.) I might get to be in Cat's wedding, though! Or at least invited to her wedding if not in the party itself. I can't wait to go to Iceland with her in June, it's going to be such a blast.

So tonight I made tea and read Joyce's "The Dead" for Brit Lit. I loved it! What an awesome little story. I hope we get to read more of Joyce, because I really like him. And tomorrow I'm doing more work (starting to memorize a stanza of Yeats' "Adam's Curse" and actually writing the rough draft of my African-American Lit paper) and going to Locopops with Max, who plays D&D with me. He's kind of a douche but he's cute and good company. Plus Locopops is only $2 so you can't beat that.

Love you,
Rachel

What color is your soul painted? Blue Your soul is painted the color blue, which embodies the characteristics of peace, patience, understanding, health, tranquility, protection, spiritual awareness, unity, harmony, calmness, coolness, confidence, dependability, loyalty, idealism, tackiness, and wisdom. Blue is the color of the element Water, and is symbolic of the ocean, sleep, twilight, and the sky.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Dear Mom,

Yeah, I really shouldn't have called you out on that last post, should I? Also note to self: remind everyone not to mention the Velveteen Rabbit in my presence when I'm feeling sad. I don't much fancy crying myself to sleep again over a children's book. Well, really, it's just because you're not here to read it to me, Mom. I miss that. Wednesday was hard because of that. And I'm not saying you should feel bad about leaving, you shouldn't. It was your time to go. It just sucks for the rest of us, although I'm sure it sucks in its own way for you.

On the other hand, there have been some really good things about the past two days. I had a very wonderful conversation with Henry last night. It was really funny actually. Henry and I have been doing it long distance for the past three years, with me in college in NC and him at home in CT. So I spoke to him on the phone for a while last night and then went up to hermiones_twin 's room for a little chat. I came in and she looked up and went, "You're doing that thing." "What thing?" "That inarticulate glowing thing where it looks like you've just had sex." I hadn't, but I couldn't stop giggling the rest of the night, I was so happy. And today my friend Alok took me out to get what I have deemed as the Salad of Epicness. It's mixed greens, strawberries, goat cheese, candied pecans, jicama (although I don't much care for that), and raspberry viniagrette. It makes me happy, and so does he. I adore my friends.

I've realized that I need to cut back on my spending, so I'm cuting out coffee shop trips and weekend eating out. Instead, I'm going to brew tea in my dorm and get Lean Cuisines for my freezer during the weekends. I've cut back a lot from what I was spending last semester, but $50 a week is just a little too much for me to sustain. I need a job. Only I can't get one because I'm only going to be in NC for five more weeks. I'll just have to work really hard for the six weeks I'll be home this summer, as I can't work when I'm in Iceland during June! For those of you who don't know, I work in an ice cream shop in my hometown during the summers. I'm hoping they're going to give me as many hours as I can handle, because with it being my senior year and all, I'm going to need the money. It'll work out though. It should. But I'm so excited to take my first overseas adventure and go to Iceland for the month of June. It's my college's study abroad and I'm pretty stoked.

And now I'm back to studying for French and drinking my tea (see!).

Love you,
Rachel

Dear Mom,

Okay, so today was pretty rocking. I made some intelligent comments in African American Lit and got my butt worked off in PE. Honestly you wouldn't think that a stability ball and a small weighted ball could give a person such a hardcore workout. But it can! My butt was whipped in 45 minutes. Apparently we're doing pilates next class, so we'll see how that goes. I also realized that it is really hard for me to listen when there is a song I like that's playing and my instructor's talking at the same time. I was sitting there going, "I want to sing along! But.... I should be listening....damnit, I love this song though!" I went to Whole Foods for dinner with Rachel (roomie for all of those who are newish) and only ended up spending about $5 on dinner, and it was pretty delicious. I adore their garlic knots, and they're only a dollar each. So I had a garlic knot, chocolate milk and some hazelnut chicken salad for dinner. Then I got back here, ate, and went to the library to re-read The Soloist for my AALit paper. It's a fantastic book for everyone who likes reading, music, mental illness, or any combination of those three. And the writing is just absolutely beautiful. Its a 400 page book, and i got through it in about three hours. Hurray for being productive! I found a lot of really good stuff in it for my paper, too, which I'm doing on the stigma of mental illness in the African American community.

Another reason today was really good was due to Henry. Henry goes by another name in real life but asked me to protect him from the Creepers of LJ (TM) by giving him a fake name. Henry, for those of you who don't know, is my boyfriend of three years and counting, and we've been through some heavy stuff. But this morning I got on AIM and he was online, going to Sloan-Kettering Hospital in NYC for a checkup, and he was being so sweet and cute to me. It just made my morning like nothing else. And then I found out some really amazing news this eveing from him. So Henry's got a condition that makes his bones deteriorate, and has been in a wheelchair for the past couple of months, to see if his bones will regrow themselves if he gives them a rest. And they did! He had some x-rays done and his doctors said that he can just use one of his crutches as a cane now. So he's not disabled anymore! Much jubilation was expressed at this news. I pretty much shrieked and started bouncing around my room like a five year old with glee.

And now I'm sitting outside the blue room, because there's a group in there using it right now. Silly group. And this good day trend is starting to scare me a little, Mom. What are you planning to drop on me next? Haha, just kidding. You know I don't mean it.

Love you,
Rachel

Dear Mom,


I just want to say, if you ever decide to come back as a ghost, please don't pop up at night when I'm alone. I'll take off running and screaming like a little girl. Not that I think you will or anything, just sayin'. Also, remember when that lady cut us off that one time and you followed her for like four blocks until she had the sense to pull over and listen to you scream at her for putting me in danger, and I was sitting there in all my twelve year old mortification saying, "I know we're gonna get shot I just know it..."? I've told that story about three times to people in the last week, it's really funny.

I went to classes today. I'm actually almost all the way caught up on makeup work, I just need to write my rough draft for African American Lit, which isn't bad because it's only four or five pages. I'm also going to recite Yeats' "Adam's Curse" for part of my memory lines for Brit Lit. The first stanza talks about how difficult writing is and how it's looked down upon by people who aren't writers because it's apparently so easy. But the trick, Yeats says, is to make the writing look effortless, and that's why everyone thinks it's so easy. It's very true. Sitting around and getting paid to make up your own world sounds like a really sweet job, but making up that world from scratch and having no one to rely on for the story but yourself is at times a very scary thing.

After Religious Ethics, Caitlin asked if I wanted to go to Trader Joe's with her to see her boyfriend (he works there) and then go to Cookout, so I went with her. Twas fun. I got a strawberry cheesecake milkshake from Cookout that was really yummy, but my burger was a bit dry. Then I came back to campus and finished up French, checked the flist a bit, and now I'm writing this entry. (For those of you who don't know, Cookout is this fast food chain in the Southern US where you can get really cheap, good burgers, chicken sandwiches and barbeque plates. They also have thirty flavors of milkshake.)

I miss walking on the beach with you in the winter when it was so cold there was no one there but us and the lonely cry of the seagulls.

Love you,
Rachel

Hi Mom,

As I said, today was kind of an awesome day, despite the fact that I got my period. I went to Starbucks with Alok, got some essay-ing done for my Brit Lit class there, and then went and got some stuff to make tea. Mmmm, lovely Stash chai. It's wonderful and spicy and sweet. I was also proud of myself for writing about "Crossing the Bar", which in case you weren't there for, we put on your prayer cards for your wake. At first I wasn't going to do it, but then I said, "Let's see what happens" and it actually went okay. No public scenes. I didn't throw stuff or cry. It's not my favorite essay out of the bunch I had to write, but it's passable. I know, I know, passable isn't my best, but I wanted to write about it. It had personal significance, damnit!

I then went out to dinner with Lauren and got Thai with her. We went to Ben & Jerry's afterwards, and then I came back to school and worked on my Brit Lit essays in the library. After three years, I've finally found a place in the library that feels comfortable to me. It's one of the study rooms, the only one that isn't painted either a Gak-like green or a coral sort of red. It's lovely light blue, with glass-topped patio tables, wrought iron patio chairs, a carpet and old pictures of past Meredith students on the walls. It just feels very calming and peaceful. It's also quite a popular room because it's the nicest color, so it's not open a whole lot, but it's about 11 pm and now I'm alone in here. I'm thinking of going over to Lauren's room after I finish this and stealing a Stella Artois while she has one left. Hopefully it will be delicious!

Love you,
Rachel

PS: isn't my ferret icon just the cutest? <3

Dear Mom,

Praise be, I am not pregnant. I guess the stress of the funeral and everything after just messed up my cycle a bit and changed my ovulation time. I have so much work to do today. Two short-ish papers for Brit Lit, FAFSA to fill out (FAFSA is a government financial aid thing that college students have to fill out every year), makeup French to complete. Now I see why you didn't want me to come home: you knew how much doing all this makeup work would suck! But other than worrying about my woman parts and doing work, I've been getting on with things pretty much fine. I still have my moments where I get really sad about things, and I still have my moments where I can't really believe you're gone, but those are a bit farther between now. I wish we'd talked about how you felt about Noni's death, or even Pop-Pop's, although I think you were more relieved than anything when Pop-Pop went. D'you know, I've never written about Noni or Pop-Pop before in any blog I've had. Hmm. Might be high time to start.  But Rachel's just gotten out of the shower, and she's poking at me to go to lunch with her. My growling stomach must be obeyed!

Love you,
Rachel